PF Charlotte, hi. It’s nice to see you again, and thanks for sitting down with me. Those are nice shoes, by the way. Jimmy Choo?
CN What is it with people and shoes? I don’t know what my shoes are, all I know is that my sister gave them to me and told me I should wear them to interviews. They could be…Carlos Santanas for all I know.
PF You know Santana has a line of shoes, right?
CN Is there any way we might discuss something interesting?
PF I understand you visited your old friend Phyllis Schlotzky in prison. How did that go?
CN Her lawyer was just leaving when I got there. (whispering) Her prison jumpsuit was inside out. I think they worked out some sort of conjugal arrangement. She was very relaxed, which worked out nicely for me. She can be high strung.
PF You worked with Phyllis for a year. Did you ever imagine she’d do something like…
CN Honestly, I envisioned her doing a lot worse.
PF Worse than…
CN She nearly ran me over the day she went to the beauty supply store sale. I always wondered if that was intentional.
PF I spoke with your sister earlier. She tells me if it weren’t for bad luck you’d have no luck at…are you okay?
CN Can you ask the waiter for some extra napkins? The glass didn’t break, but my blouse is soaked. I’m sorry. You were asking me…?
PF Moving on. I understand that Mr. Kwan has been doing a little Feng Shui in your apartment. Want to elaborate on that?
CN It’s Kwan. Just Kwan. And I have no idea what he’s doing half the time. First he brings Chinese food I didn’t even order, and then after I’ve found the money to pay him I catch him moving stuff around in the living room. Who does that? Between you and me, I think he’s a little nuts.
PF I understand he’s quite handsome.
CN Is he? I never noticed. Then again I’m usually putting out some kind of…
PF Waiter! Fire extinguisher!
CN Geez, their candles are tippy here. Do you smell that?
PF It’ll grow back. It’s really only a couple of inches on the right side. I wanted to chat a little about your boyfriend, Frank.
CN His real name is Joey, but he likes to think of himself as a large-living, blue-eyed reincarnation of Frank Sinatra.
PF Is there any similarity between them?
CN Did Sinatra “borrow” his girlfriend’s rent money, or “sleep” with every “dancer” Hollywood or…
PF I’m getting the idea that things aren’t going well in the relationship.
CN What? No, everything’s fine. Just the way it always is.
PF I mentioned your sister before, and I was wondering…
PF What is that face?
CN I have allergies.
PF Mmmhmm. Your sister has recently become engaged to a physician. Have you met him?
CN He’s a plastic surgeon! In Beverly Hills yet! And the ring is the size of Rhode Island!
PF Wow, you’re really excited for her.
CN I was quoting my mother. If he’s anything like my sister he’s a selfcentered, superficial idiot. I’m supposed to go to my parent’s Friday night for a small family dinner to celebrate the engagement. He’ll be there. Doctor Dirk Belmont. Big whoop.
PF Who will you be wearing?
CN I don’t even know what that means.
PF Have you decided what you’ll wear to the engagement dinner?
CN The rod fell down in my closet a few days ago, so whatever I can yank out of the pile is what, or whom I will be wearing.
PF You’re a stickler for grammar.
CN Once I pay back my undergrad student loans I’m going for my master’s in library science. I love books. So, yes. I am a stickler for grammar.
PF Good luck with that, Charlotte. I think you’d make a great librarian.
CN It’s my dream job. What could go wrong?